just a post

so it is friday and i am trying to have a relaxing day but i have so much on my mind right now. where is my life going right now? i am still in my very dead end job but i dont really have any other options. i try not to slack off at work but it is honestly not interesting enough to keep me focused. i really want to be fired so i can get unemployment and find that time to go to school and focus on something else. i dont think that will happen though, unfortunately. if i go back to school and get a degree, then what? will people be banging down my door? didnt think so. part time job maybe? i would love that but dont know where to go or what to do that will really put a few dollars in my pocket. i am just so lazy its ridiculous.

kj. this is a situation i already know will end up not so good. i feel i do not have the mental capacity to keep up with her. she is so thought provoking but me, not so much. i am always hard on myself but with this one, i think she will see through the charm and see how surface i can be at time, most of the time. we should just sex until she gets tired of me. i cant do a relationship. i would rather be by myself for a little while longer.

ot. she is going to be a friend. that is about it. it is pretty obvious how i feel about my friends. i really need to crawl under a rock for a year or two and just leave everyone alone for a little while. maybe the sessions have not been working as much as i thought they were. or maybe i am still just so worried about outcomes that i cant focused on the fun times i have and the great people i know and interact with. just say it, charniece, get over yourself. life could be a lot worse. if you tell kj the truth she has the option of flipping out and not talking to me or respecting my truthfulness and still wanting to be around me. i hope that is the case but we shall see soon enough.

what am i to do?

so i have continued to have a great time with my new friend but of course, there is another issue. now before i continue, i must start by saying that i have promised myself that i will enjoy every moment of everyday and let things fall where they may. i can only control my actions, not the actions of others and i just have to make my intentions known and let things flow. now back to the story.

i really enjoy my time with her but i would really like being in a relationship with her. the issue is, i have just gotten out of a relationship and would love to have this time to focus on myself and the things i need to do for me. we have mutually decided that we would like to wait on each other and move slowly. that is much easier said then done. the other issue is, how do i know that these feelings are real and not out of loneliness? i guess this is what this time is for, right? a chance to get it all figured out. this situation is both good and bad. with my previous relationships, i was able to get every moment of everyday with my significant other. with this one, i count down the minutes until i can see her again. i think about her constantly, even when i dont want to. it is sickening, but i am sort of good way. i think she is what i really need in my life but not right now. maybe in a year, maybe more. dont honestly know right now. and i cant worry about it. take it day by day.

i need a hobby, seriously. maybe the meditation stuff needs to start sooner than later. working out will probably help as well. anything to keep me focused on myself and let the relationship thing work it self out without my added stress and insight. do i really have any anyway? she just feels so right and i am ready for a commitment, but not really. a year charniece, a year. thats just around the corner. am i the only person that tries to syche myself out like that? :)

thats enough for now.

until then, peace