just a post

so it is friday and i am trying to have a relaxing day but i have so much on my mind right now. where is my life going right now? i am still in my very dead end job but i dont really have any other options. i try not to slack off at work but it is honestly not interesting enough to keep me focused. i really want to be fired so i can get unemployment and find that time to go to school and focus on something else. i dont think that will happen though, unfortunately. if i go back to school and get a degree, then what? will people be banging down my door? didnt think so. part time job maybe? i would love that but dont know where to go or what to do that will really put a few dollars in my pocket. i am just so lazy its ridiculous.

kj. this is a situation i already know will end up not so good. i feel i do not have the mental capacity to keep up with her. she is so thought provoking but me, not so much. i am always hard on myself but with this one, i think she will see through the charm and see how surface i can be at time, most of the time. we should just sex until she gets tired of me. i cant do a relationship. i would rather be by myself for a little while longer.

ot. she is going to be a friend. that is about it. it is pretty obvious how i feel about my friends. i really need to crawl under a rock for a year or two and just leave everyone alone for a little while. maybe the sessions have not been working as much as i thought they were. or maybe i am still just so worried about outcomes that i cant focused on the fun times i have and the great people i know and interact with. just say it, charniece, get over yourself. life could be a lot worse. if you tell kj the truth she has the option of flipping out and not talking to me or respecting my truthfulness and still wanting to be around me. i hope that is the case but we shall see soon enough.

what am i to do?

so i have continued to have a great time with my new friend but of course, there is another issue. now before i continue, i must start by saying that i have promised myself that i will enjoy every moment of everyday and let things fall where they may. i can only control my actions, not the actions of others and i just have to make my intentions known and let things flow. now back to the story.

i really enjoy my time with her but i would really like being in a relationship with her. the issue is, i have just gotten out of a relationship and would love to have this time to focus on myself and the things i need to do for me. we have mutually decided that we would like to wait on each other and move slowly. that is much easier said then done. the other issue is, how do i know that these feelings are real and not out of loneliness? i guess this is what this time is for, right? a chance to get it all figured out. this situation is both good and bad. with my previous relationships, i was able to get every moment of everyday with my significant other. with this one, i count down the minutes until i can see her again. i think about her constantly, even when i dont want to. it is sickening, but i am sort of good way. i think she is what i really need in my life but not right now. maybe in a year, maybe more. dont honestly know right now. and i cant worry about it. take it day by day.

i need a hobby, seriously. maybe the meditation stuff needs to start sooner than later. working out will probably help as well. anything to keep me focused on myself and let the relationship thing work it self out without my added stress and insight. do i really have any anyway? she just feels so right and i am ready for a commitment, but not really. a year charniece, a year. thats just around the corner. am i the only person that tries to syche myself out like that? :)

thats enough for now.

until then, peace

so......

I have decided to take a small plunge and begin a friendship with someone who I think is very nice and could possibly be a great mate. The issue is that I have such a hard time controlling my feelings and emotions. I mean, I honestly just want friends right now, especially since I have just gotten out of a 3 year relationship. I want some time to really re-organize my thoughts and get myself together emotionally. On the other hand, it is very, very lonely being single. I have my mom and bro but they can only do so much to get me out of the funk I sometimes put myself in. I enjoy the company of a woman and she is great company. When I am with her, I get so flustered, butterflies are always in my stomach. I want to say the right things, do the right things. Make her think I am the greatest person to be around. That is how she makes me feel. Like she is greatest person around. But I face reality everytime; she is just a friend. Nothing more. We are enjoying each others company under a safe umbrella known as friendship. So what can be done? Do I say the hell with it and continue with what we are doing but instead, call it dating? A relationship seems so far away for me but in a way, it is where I have been most comfortable...for a while at least. It was where I could use all those emotions I had on someone other myself. Right now, all the feelings that I have are just hitting a brick wall and bouncing back to me. Oh well, maybe the best thing to do would be to channel all this into something positive. Like what?


Peace,

Char

such a change

well it appears that it has been a very, very long time since i have written a blog but i felt the need to write something.

since the last time i have written, i have broken up with a great lady and will be living with my mother pretty soon. i don't think it will be a great time living with her but what else can i do? no one wants to rent to me unfortunately and the landlord is counting down the days until he can get us out of the apartment. i have always been the positive one when it comes to negative situations but this time around, i am not feeling to good about things.

i want to believe that everything will turn out alright. i will make some calls and people will flock to have me live in their unit. so far, that is the farthest from the truth. while living with my mother will afford me the chance to save up money and focus on finding the right apartment, i will have to deal with her everyday. i did that for 18 years and i am not too fond of doing it for another couple of months. but what else is there to do right now? i see plenty of apartments that offer "no security deposit" which is what i really need since i don't have that kind of money. unfortunately, no security deposit usually means no security in who you are living around or what you are living in.

i still have another week (if i beg my landlord) to decide on a place to live but in the end, i feel like it really will not make much of a difference. time to make a decision, a good decision. but now a days, what is the right decision?

something i realized

today i realized that i am worth much more than i give myself credit for. i'm pretty talented and i dont look half bad either. :) i really want more out of life but how do i get to it? i want to lose weight but i love food oh....so.....much. i want to get back into school but i dont have the will power to just make the first few steps. do i secretly want to fail so i can always feel sorry for myself. my old lady is telling me i can do whatever i put my mind to but how do i first get my mind into it? one step at a time is my advice to everyone i meet with a problem but where is my first step? why am i so scared of my first step? overcoming laziness is my first step. wish me luck.


until next time,

why?

so today i have realized that i take a lot of stuff and wonder later on, why? i need to just rid myself of things i feel are harmful but i sometimes feel like i enjoy the pleasure of pain. i use to pride myself on being drama free but i think i am the main source of it. what will it take for me to really grow up and realize that some things are just not for me. realize my true self and allow other people to realize it as well? i need something new right now but i honestly dont know what it is at the moment. maybe a weekend off of work will inspire me. or maybe a nice cold beer will do the trick. whatever it is, it needs to be realized quickly or else my mind will forever be clouded with what ifs and should haves.


until next time.....

in the beginning

well this will be my first official blog. i am not too sure what to write or to add but i figure i can treat it like a personal journal (or journey? yeah, too corny.) i want to see if i can change the world, or at least have one person read it and say, "yeah, i feel you on that". what to say, what to say. maybe as times progresses i will no longer say, what to say, but instead say, what not to say.....

until the next time.