today was a very funny day. well, not very funny but more thought provoking. today i had a interesting conversation with octavia. no need to go into detail but let me just say that a friendship with her will be just as difficult as a relationship. why do i attract drama? why cant things just go simply? women bring so much negative sometimes or is that me bringing it? sometimes, i feel like i would really benefit from having friends but then i realize that I dont have the time or patience for any extra people right now. how can i find time for other people when i dont even spend time with my own family? i need to get the home front in check before i try to add other people, right? and what are the true benefits of having friends? someone to talk to? i have a therapist for that. people to go out with? i dont have the patience to be on someone else's schedule. i guess i can stick with my text messages and fb friends for now.

so the new question is, when the hell are you changing things around and getting something new in life? soon, right? you are so tired, why dont you do something different then. enought whining about that.

k.jones, when are you going to say how you really feel about her? say that you are feeling her a little more than you should. that you worship the ground she walks on but she may not be feeling the same way. stop buying her things you say? maybe but then it wouldnt be me. i need to step away but for what? you miss her and there is not a damn thing you can do about that.

spring time in the city

so today gave chicagoans one of the most prettiest days of the week. people were out doing everything except sitting in their homes. tomorrow promises to be another great day but it is too bad i will be spending most of the day in the office. hopefully the weekend will be just as nice. i guess it is a shame that i will be in the office the whole weekend as well.

until next time,

day off and fun time

so i am beginning to really appreciate how good a day off feels. didnt have to get of the bed until 10 and didnt leave the house until after 2. i really hope my day off tomorrow fares the same but i have a play to go to with the wonderful ms. jones. boy, i am a really lucky lady to have such a nice lady to be around. i have put into the universe my intention to see her tonight and i hope the universe responds correctly. i am so mad that i have that nasty chinese food today. i need to report them for having the worst food i have ever had. i hope kim likes it otherwise, it will be a waste of eleven dollars. i feel really good that the sallie mae loan stuff will be handled even though it is really going to break my pockets. it is just another step in the right direction. that is what i am going to tell myself. lets see...what else is there to say? i need to call arcenia and see what she is up to but i am not really interested in telephone conversations. what will i say? would i really sound interested? probably. i will just call her later, maybe. i would really like to drink tonight but it wont really make anything better. i need to read these library books but that is not interesting to me either. sometimes, i really feel like i need a car so i can get to places but even if i had a car, i would be way to lazy to get out the house. i am just really on a love jones. she is all i want to see, i want to be around right now and nothing else will quench my thirst......ummmmmm.....quench. i can really go for some good food right now, especially since my stomach hurts from that nasty food. guess that's it for now. until after law and order SVU.

moving up in the world

so i have made the plunge and bought myself a laptop. just for me. not for me and the significant other. one that i will be able to keep even after a relationship malfunction. what do i do now? i have checked out facebook (nothing really interesting there) and youtube. maybe i will start to enjoy the simple pleasures of not having a borrow a laptop or use the work computer sooner or later. for now, i am still trying to figure out what the hell i am supposed to do with all this excitement i created inside myself waiting for the day my laptop came. i am over it already. have i become so bored with everything that i cannot even enjoy the joys of a new toy? it seems like it. this post also seems like a rant that makes no sense. it doesnt but i still feel like typing. not really ready to call it a night although i know it will be the best option for me right now. i guess i am enjoying the laptop after all. or maybe i just enjoy how the keys feel under my hands. i bet if i had a blog, no one would read it. useless material is what i'm writing right now and i am honestly okay with it. maybe i should continue and see where it takes me. so many things to say, so little energy.


life on the north side is not so bad. people are not very friendly and it is too damn quiet. i bet you ten bucks the neighbors upstairs can hear me typing right now. lol. i feel sorry for my neighbors when i have company. but hey, why should i deny myself the pleasure? i will not. i refuse it. so what do i do with myself now? plenty of information to be obtained on the web. television shows that i am missing. but i still think of her. everyday and every night. i am such a lame.

just a post

so it is friday and i am trying to have a relaxing day but i have so much on my mind right now. where is my life going right now? i am still in my very dead end job but i dont really have any other options. i try not to slack off at work but it is honestly not interesting enough to keep me focused. i really want to be fired so i can get unemployment and find that time to go to school and focus on something else. i dont think that will happen though, unfortunately. if i go back to school and get a degree, then what? will people be banging down my door? didnt think so. part time job maybe? i would love that but dont know where to go or what to do that will really put a few dollars in my pocket. i am just so lazy its ridiculous.

kj. this is a situation i already know will end up not so good. i feel i do not have the mental capacity to keep up with her. she is so thought provoking but me, not so much. i am always hard on myself but with this one, i think she will see through the charm and see how surface i can be at time, most of the time. we should just sex until she gets tired of me. i cant do a relationship. i would rather be by myself for a little while longer.

ot. she is going to be a friend. that is about it. it is pretty obvious how i feel about my friends. i really need to crawl under a rock for a year or two and just leave everyone alone for a little while. maybe the sessions have not been working as much as i thought they were. or maybe i am still just so worried about outcomes that i cant focused on the fun times i have and the great people i know and interact with. just say it, charniece, get over yourself. life could be a lot worse. if you tell kj the truth she has the option of flipping out and not talking to me or respecting my truthfulness and still wanting to be around me. i hope that is the case but we shall see soon enough.

what am i to do?

so i have continued to have a great time with my new friend but of course, there is another issue. now before i continue, i must start by saying that i have promised myself that i will enjoy every moment of everyday and let things fall where they may. i can only control my actions, not the actions of others and i just have to make my intentions known and let things flow. now back to the story.

i really enjoy my time with her but i would really like being in a relationship with her. the issue is, i have just gotten out of a relationship and would love to have this time to focus on myself and the things i need to do for me. we have mutually decided that we would like to wait on each other and move slowly. that is much easier said then done. the other issue is, how do i know that these feelings are real and not out of loneliness? i guess this is what this time is for, right? a chance to get it all figured out. this situation is both good and bad. with my previous relationships, i was able to get every moment of everyday with my significant other. with this one, i count down the minutes until i can see her again. i think about her constantly, even when i dont want to. it is sickening, but i am sort of good way. i think she is what i really need in my life but not right now. maybe in a year, maybe more. dont honestly know right now. and i cant worry about it. take it day by day.

i need a hobby, seriously. maybe the meditation stuff needs to start sooner than later. working out will probably help as well. anything to keep me focused on myself and let the relationship thing work it self out without my added stress and insight. do i really have any anyway? she just feels so right and i am ready for a commitment, but not really. a year charniece, a year. thats just around the corner. am i the only person that tries to syche myself out like that? :)

thats enough for now.

until then, peace

so......

I have decided to take a small plunge and begin a friendship with someone who I think is very nice and could possibly be a great mate. The issue is that I have such a hard time controlling my feelings and emotions. I mean, I honestly just want friends right now, especially since I have just gotten out of a 3 year relationship. I want some time to really re-organize my thoughts and get myself together emotionally. On the other hand, it is very, very lonely being single. I have my mom and bro but they can only do so much to get me out of the funk I sometimes put myself in. I enjoy the company of a woman and she is great company. When I am with her, I get so flustered, butterflies are always in my stomach. I want to say the right things, do the right things. Make her think I am the greatest person to be around. That is how she makes me feel. Like she is greatest person around. But I face reality everytime; she is just a friend. Nothing more. We are enjoying each others company under a safe umbrella known as friendship. So what can be done? Do I say the hell with it and continue with what we are doing but instead, call it dating? A relationship seems so far away for me but in a way, it is where I have been most comfortable...for a while at least. It was where I could use all those emotions I had on someone other myself. Right now, all the feelings that I have are just hitting a brick wall and bouncing back to me. Oh well, maybe the best thing to do would be to channel all this into something positive. Like what?


Peace,

Char